WTF? (What THE?! Fridays) Part 15: Bad Self-Esteem Edition

Ladies, this WTF? post is all for YOU! I bet you woke up this morning thinking that you looked pretty good, right? Maybe you even took a look in the mirror and thought, ‘I am a reasonably attractive woman who has good self-esteem and a good body image.’

Well, that was all before you knew how many things you needed to change about yourself! I’m so glad the cosmetic industry is here to help us truly understand what’s wrong with ourselves!

Now let’s talk about what’s wrong with you.

You really should whiten your skin.

And lose some weight.

Your eyes are obviously too small.

Your nipples clearly aren’t pink enough. Yikes. Disgrace!

And your underarms are looking a little dark, aren’t they? As is your bikini line. And your knees. And your elbows. Sorry to break it to you! It’s you, not me.

Also, I think you should know that your breasts are a little…how should I put this delicately…SAGGY. So here’s some breast-firming cream.

And breast-firming soap. I’m sorry, your breasts are REALLY saggy, and nobody wants that.

Now. Okay. Um…look, we need to have a talk, okay? You know, as women get older, sometimes their va-jay-jays get a little…less firm. I’M JUST SAYING. And I’m also just saying that you need to tighten that all up down in there, but luckily there’s something for that, too! YOU’RE WELCOME!

After you’ve uncurled yourself from the fetal position on your bed and stopped sobbing like a little girl because you’ve suddenly realized how hideous you are, put this mask on your face and drink a nice cup of tea.

Then call your therapist and start passing the beer out to the gents, because that’s clearly the only way you’re going to get anybody to look at you, given the state of your body! Especially that va-jay-jay! Remember: Beer goggles are your friend!

GRRRRL POWER! Amiright, ladies?

Advertisements

49 Comments

Filed under Living Abroad, Thailand, WTF?

49 responses to “WTF? (What THE?! Fridays) Part 15: Bad Self-Esteem Edition

  1. Di

    Wow, you’ve really surpassed yourself in the WTF stakes this week. Nipple “pinkener”?! What the?

  2. Monica

    This seems way time consuming. I thought plastic surgery was supposed to be cheap over there.

    • Right? I have one lotion for my face and one for my body and I always think, ‘This is EXHAUSTING.’ I could never be bothered with the rest of that crap. Sheesh.

  3. OMG! That was crazy!!! Simply too much! Didn’t know that there was a such thing as intimate tightening serum.

  4. Thanks Megan, you jerk, I was reading this on the train and LOL’d and scared a few people.
    I’m so glad I don’t have a va-jay-jay, who knew there was so much maintenance? I guess there are some positive aspects of being a bald dude – grooming kit consists of a bar of soap and a razor… sometimes not even the razor.
    It’s amazing how many Thai women fall victim to this crapola… one friend of mine went to a special, ‘secret’ weight loss clinic that consisted entirely of – swear to god – having her ass smacked with a wooden paddle. I woulda done that for free! She was all mad it didn’t work. There’s no end to ‘weight loss miracles’ here, and I have to keep reminding people: if someone invented a product that does anything even remotely close to what it claims on the box, they’d be on every TV channel overnight and a billionaire by the end of the month.
    Gotta go, have to pinkify my nipples.
    PS – It’s not only Asia that’s insane – lots of people in the US have anal bleaching done. True story, Google it.

    • Well, thanks to you, too! I was reading about the wooden paddle when I’m supposed to be paying attention to a student and I had to think of something not hilarious to keep from smiling while she was telling me about her job responsibilities.

      And dude, I *have* a va-jay-jay, and I had no idea there was so much maintenance myself!

      I almost put a disclaimer that I knew it’s not just Asia that’s crazy about stuff, but I figured somebody else would point it out. And I think I will pass on Googling the anal bleaching, thank you. *shudder*

  5. Chelsea

    Wow, sounds like Thailand is more fashion/appearance conscious than NYC! How would I survive? :)

  6. I wished I’d grown up here. You think I’m pale now, I was much more see-through then.

    School would have been a lot nicer with everyone worshipping my ghostly appearance, rather than constantly asking if I was ill.

    And the weight-loss stuff, that’s just scary. The teas that make you poop your pants, I’d rather have my chub, thanks.

    • One time in my Thai class I was wearing a dress and my teacher’s compliment was, “You’re so white!” I was like, ‘Uh, yeah…’

      Agreed. Chubby is better than poopy pants, thank you!

  7. Jess

    Well, you know my self-esteem is already inflated, so none of this really fazes me as I edge closer to 40. I like how the symbol of a tight lady parts is a blooming rose. Wouldn’t a, uh, closed flower be more appropriate?

    And Greg is right. I will protect the innocent, but I know of someone who knows someone who knows someone who has bleached bum skin to make it whiter. It makes me feel sane to know I’ll never contemplate that. Okay, slightly sane.

  8. FM

    I know this great guy I can introduce you to now… you just might have to whiten your teeth first!

  9. Fred Trellis

    You have proven something I read this morning:

    Women will only be truly equal when they can walk down the street, balding and fat, and still think they are sexy.

  10. triple action breast? hmmm. applying generously. ooooo.

  11. Awesome. My current roll on deodorant not only smells like Ocean but also whitens! And my moisturiser that I need during the Shanghai winter to keep my skin from breaking into a million shards also whitens! Did I mention I’m not a particularly dusky person to begin with? I’ll have ghostly armpits and irregularly pale smears across my face in no time.

    Oh, and I have an awesome chili flavoured warming shower gel that I just learned is actually a ‘firming’ gel for untoned types (um, like myself?).

    • Yeah, finding stuff that *doesn’t* whiten around here is quite a feat.

      Dude, if I could get some shower gel that toned me without actually having to work for it, I would totally do it!

  12. AHHHHHHH! placenta mask?!?!? WTF! vagina tightning cream? CREEPY! and i can only imagine what’s in anything designed to “lighten skin”.

    in other words, this post is totally amazing. i am now going to share it with everyone in my office. :)

  13. Dude,

    Thanks for aggregating all the most ridiculous products out there. Seriously, everyday when we teach at our school it turns in to crowd control because all the girls are obsessed with powdering their faces and not learning English. For our first lesson plan in 2011 Christie and I made our students write resolutions (we teach the entire “high school”, so 9-12 in the American system) and 85% of them said they wanted to lose weight, anywhere between 3-10 kilos on their already tiny frame.

    And we thought American’s were obsessed with looks? Since moving to Thailand hot damn, Asia takes it to a whole other level.

    Cheers,
    Cassie

    • Oh god, I can’t even stand talking about tiny little teenagers thinking they need to lose weight. I taught middle school for 3 years back in the U.S., and it was the same thing. I would always get on my high horse about body image if they said anything to me. Of course they didn’t listen…

  14. Emily

    I can’t believe there were “tester” bottles of some of that stuff. As if there are women whipping off their shirts and bras right there in the store to see if the pinking cream works wonders. “Sir, does my left nipple look pinker than my right?” !?

  15. Fariha

    I live in constant fear of someone suggesting the whitening creams to me (being South Asian ‘n all). But thanks for suggesting a great come back– I’ll just ask them to go tighten their va jay jays! Hah!

  16. This is awesome! :) I can’t believe what some women are willing to go through, or put on themselves. A placenta mask?!

    • Oh yeah, there’s placenta cream, too…I guess I’m just too lazy for all of this!

      • Rather sane than lazy probably ;) I already don’t understand how some Texas girls spend so much time on nails, hair (especially hair!), and make-up. They look good after, but also somewhat similar to each other… I guess I just don’t get it.

        • Oh yeah, the big hair…I used to try that when I was in middle school, but I can’t do it! I don’t get it, either. I’d rather spend my time sleeping in the morning instead of spending an hour getting ready.

  17. Re: Breast Sense Soap. Pueraria is said to increase the appetite, enlarge breasts and improve hair growth…so hungry, hairy boobs are not out of the question ;)

  18. This is your best ever WTF. I was just talking about whitening creams with Martyn recently. When an expat lass reaches Thailand, I wait for their “WTF is up with the whitening products???” But you’ve surpassed it by a mile with the extras, so this post will be a classic, for sure :-)

    • Thanks, Catherine! I had a lot of fun…now I just hope I can find more things for my WTF!

      • Megan, we are counting on you.

        Back when Talen was still in the US and I first got my iPhone, I’d bore him silly by sending all sorts of weirdness (and more than a few shots of foamy Singha beer mugs – yeah, I’m bad).

        But you’ve got me beat. Not on being bad (difficult to rate), but on the weirdness. Totally. Need more…

  19. carolineinthecityblog

    When I was in Thailand I noticed this too! I went to Boots in search of regular body wash and all I could find was whitening!

    • Yeah, it’s really a pain. I’m already white enough, thanks! It’s funny that in the west we have all sorts of darkening creams instead, though.

  20. Pol

    Your job is great Megan! I also live in Bangkok so I’m having a lot of fun with you blog! :)

    I wanted to write about the crazy whitening creams and centers in Bangkok. I’m gonna get some inspiration from this post to publish in my own blog.

    • Thanks! Yeah, I’ve though about writing about the crazy whitening creams and stuff. Let me know when you do–I can read some Spanish, so I think I should be able to read what you’ve written! :)

  21. This post is epic!! If this doesn’t win you the awards then they are idiots!! So when’s the follow up post when you test all these products? ;)

    • Thanks, Tony! That should have been my tactic all along: If you don’t vote for me, you’re an idiot!

      Testing all the products…I thought about it, but I don’t really want to. I need a guinea pig!

  22. This is too good! Totally brought back the memories of me browsing a dozen of 7-elevens in an attempt to buy a non-whitening face wash (miserably failed).

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s