What do overpriced restaurants serving mediocre food, beautiful blue water, and topless Swedes have in common?
Phuket, people. Phuket.
Okay, many of you already know that the “ph” in Phuket is not pronounced like an “f” sound, but I wasn’t really sure about this until recently. So get your mind out of the gutter about the pronunciation, okay?
When we were at Khao Sok National Park, we decided to head to Phuket, because why the hell not?
We drove for about 3 or 3.5 hours across two-lane highways where sometimes there were no 7-11s for at least 10 kilometers. It was truly the countryside. I almost passed out a couple of times because I didn’t have snacks for upwards of 10 minutes. It was like torture–TORTURE!
When we got to Phuket, we randomly went to Kata beach, which was all sorts of awesome.
The thing about this beach, though? If somebody just plunked me down there, I wouldn’t even know I was in Thailand. There were only white people, except for the surprisingly non-pushy Thai people selling things. Also, the Thai people were completely covered up.
All the white people: teensy bikinis, including the men (Men: PLEASE STOP WITH THE BANANA HAMMOCKS, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE OLD AND LEATHERY AND YOUR SUIT KIND OF GAPES OPEN AT THE CROTCHAL REGION. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT, ESPECIALLY ME).
All the Thai people: covered head-to-freaking-toe. I felt for them–it must be rough working on the beach all day in a country that does not prize dark skin.
The beach was pretty much ALL Swedes and then us, and it was really quiet, thank the lord. No stupid beach bars playing regulation Bob Marley music. Seriously, is it, like, a LAW that you have to play Bob Marley if you’re a beach bar? I think it is. Point is, the beach was quiet. No dumb reggae music. Not many kids, either; it was a chill, older-ish crowd, which suits me just fine because I have been about 80 since the day I was born.
We rented lounge chairs for the day for 100 baht (around $3). That made up for the fact that the food at the restaurants was insanely overpriced. Pad thai was an average of probably 150 baht (about $5-$6), which is a great deal if you’re making dollars, I suppose, and are used to pad thai being way more than that. But when you’re making Thai baht and you’re used to buying pad thai for 30 baht (around $1), it comes as a shock.
Still, it’s a beach town, and all beach towns cost more than real life, which makes you feel like you’re really treating yourself, right? And it was worth it because it was beaaaautiful the entire time we were there. So hooray for overpriced mediocre food!
And for that matter, hooray for mediocrity! (No, I don’t know what this means, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. Shut up!)
After we left Kata to go to another beach to watch the sunset, we took a wrong turn and ended up on a hill (too lazy to look up the name) in Phuket City, which had a bunch of monkeys running around trying to steal people’s food. I have an irrational hatred of monkeys now because of that stupid monkey who ran after me and stole my crackers in Phetchaburi.
This is where the monkeys live. Check out that view! You could build some condos up here and make a million! Dollars, not baht!
We finally got back on track and drove up north along the Andaman Sea, while I proceeded to exclaim, over and over, “Wow, look at all the people! Stupid tourists. Wait, I’m a tourist, too. But STILL! I’m not like THOSE tourists.”
We finally made it to Ao Bang Thao to watch the sunset. This is where the rich folk go to stay. We are not the rich folk, so we just visited for a couple of hours.
It was super quiet and populated by many Russian tourists.
And then the sun went down on Sunday evening…
My good buddy over at BrockEats said that my point system was completely arbitrary. Which it IS, but I don’t care. Because I like to WIN. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya’.
Phuket: 0 Megan: 1