Ladies, this WTF? post is all for YOU! I bet you woke up this morning thinking that you looked pretty good, right? Maybe you even took a look in the mirror and thought, ‘I am a reasonably attractive woman who has good self-esteem and a good body image.’
Well, that was all before you knew how many things you needed to change about yourself! I’m so glad the cosmetic industry is here to help us truly understand what’s wrong with ourselves!
Now let’s talk about what’s wrong with you.
You really should whiten your skin.
And lose some weight.
Your eyes are obviously too small.
Your nipples clearly aren’t pink enough. Yikes. Disgrace!
And your underarms are looking a little dark, aren’t they? As is your bikini line. And your knees. And your elbows. Sorry to break it to you! It’s you, not me.
Also, I think you should know that your breasts are a little…how should I put this delicately…SAGGY. So here’s some breast-firming cream.
And breast-firming soap. I’m sorry, your breasts are REALLY saggy, and nobody wants that.
Now. Okay. Um…look, we need to have a talk, okay? You know, as women get older, sometimes their va-jay-jays get a little…less firm. I’M JUST SAYING. And I’m also just saying that you need to tighten that all up down in there, but luckily there’s something for that, too! YOU’RE WELCOME!
After you’ve uncurled yourself from the fetal position on your bed and stopped sobbing like a little girl because you’ve suddenly realized how hideous you are, put this mask on your face and drink a nice cup of tea.
Then call your therapist and start passing the beer out to the gents, because that’s clearly the only way you’re going to get anybody to look at you, given the state of your body! Especially that va-jay-jay! Remember: Beer goggles are your friend!
GRRRRL POWER! Amiright, ladies?